My earliest and the strongest and the most disturbing memory of one of my favourite books ‘The Vine of Desire' by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni is the opening chapter of the book which describes Anju’s miscarriage in the most melancholic yet piercing expression through her beautifully woven words. Through the entire book, Anju suffered due to that loss, tried really hard to recover, but was getting sucked deeper and deeper into the pit of a lot of mixed negative feelings - towards herself, her husband, her sister and her naive niece. As much as I had enjoyed reading the book then; I feel what the writer really wanted to convey or what the character Anju was feeling, better now!
That I have almost come more than halfway into my pregnancy (touchwood); now the thought of a miscarriage just scares the shit out of me. Each time I am crossing the road, very weird thoughts cross my mind - ‘what if this biker loses balance and the bike comes and hits me?’ ‘what if there is a car at the other end of the turn, waiting to take a turn, comes and hits me?’ ‘What if I happen to fall on my belly?’ and all such thoughts that run a chill down my spine. I always wondered what’s such a big deal about a ‘miscarriage’; you could always get pregnant again? And it’s not like the child has lived outside the womb? So no need to feel so deeply - torture yourself for things that were beyond your control and can be taken care of the next time you are faced with a similar situation. But all this so called practical thinking now feels stupid to me. Now that I am pregnant - I know what it means to go through a miscarriage. I am already so attached to the baby, looking forward to welcoming him or her into our life, have planned those changes I will do to my lifestyle to suit the child and the ways I am going to bring him or her up. And if something is to happen to him or her now - I could die myself. Certainly a part of me will die - almost literally! Even while I type this down, my heart is beating faster - feeling the dreading sensation of pain, loss and hollowness.
I had actually set out to write a rather encouraging post for the women who have been through something like this - so as to make them feel any better. But I realize that I am incapable of myself coming to terms with it - lest how will I make someone else feel better about it. I also figured, with some research online - that this is the fear almost 70% of the pregnant women live with. Initially, even if they have been skeptical with the idea of the pregnancy, later they develop such a deep bond with the little one inside (and so unconsciously) that they fear losing this new change - the new ‘you’ in you.
But such things are beyond us at times:
All we can do is:
Be positive!
Be careful!
Be aware!
Be strong!
Everything else will happen according to what ‘fate’ has in mind - but your actions and reactions are the only thing you can really control.
[Hopefully, a few posts later, I will attempt at this again - and write about coping with a miscarriage without losing your sanity and your partner… Till then, be positive, be happy - enjoy your lovely time with your little one inside {either the uterus or your heart}]
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