Exam Time: Moms please learn to breathe...

With exams either round the corner or going on - half the mothers in this country are going mad with unnecessary anxiety and stress. I am suddenly in the middle of six kids and three mothers who are all gearing up for their half yearly exams. All the kids are below ten years of age, and you as an outsider would wonder how could their exams be such a mega event in their lives. As a theory you want to believe that these kids just need to 'chill' and enjoy their lives - while exams and all should just happen by the way. But I am taken by a rude shock when I see these mothers panicking like maniacs and over exaggerating the importance of these exams. No one is bothered about creating the right base for their children - all of them are just obsessed about performance. And it has compelled me to make my mental notes of things I am going to keep in my mind while my little one is growing up and the foundation of his or her intelligence is being laid. 

1. Build a base that is strong and long lasting. And not the one that cannot survive beyond the exam time. 

What's the point if your child has by hearted a long spelling and written it right in the exam papers when basic words like 'and' and 'the' he is still struggling to read? As you go up the ladder, you are not going to cut off those lower steps.. Once you reach the top what's the point if the two sticks open up because you have cut all the joints on your way up - you will fall down very badly. Teach your self and your children the importance of understanding words versus by-hearting them. You learn a language so that it can equip you to communicate in this world and not because you need to prove to someone that you know the big and complicated words. 

2. An 'A++' or a 100% in exams doesn't guarantee a healthy mind. 

Are the school grades all that matter? A child may be naturally intelligent and scoring well in the exams - but overall is a very cranky and disobedient child. So then have you failed or succeeded as a parent? In your bid to show off to others how intelligent your child is, you have very conveniently ignored that the misbehaviour will also be noticed and you certainly need to get that right as well.

3. A grade at the cost of what?

A mother was so obsessed about their kids getting all the answers right in the exam that she made them study for hours a day before - shouted, black mailed and even beat them up if they failed to give all right answers. In the exam, the poor child was so much under pressure that the minute he realised he didn't know an answer - he started crying uncontrollably. On being coaxed by the teacher, he confessed that he was feeling guilty of letting his mother down. Is that what we really want? And then we say that young children are getting heart attacks - where is the world leading! No other generation was ever under so much pressure of competition and performance. 

4. Do not compare and certainly not demotivate.

Look he is so intelligent, look she is so smart - did your that friend know all the answers? How was this ones' paper? --- Never ever ask these sort of idiotic questions. How should it matter to you how are the others performing? You are teaching your child to do the same. Let him know that life is about getting better and better. And not about getting better than others. You are taking away from him his ability to value himself and that of  his 'individuality'

5. Teach them that learning is a life long process and not an exam centric thing. 

You ask a child one question outside the book and they quickly answer - this is not going to be asked in the exam. So what? Isn't this ever going to be useful in your life? Teach your child that learning is a life long process and exams are just a small, insignificant part of that mega project. So something that may not be a part of this exam, will be a part of the bigger exam of life. So don't impart in their minds the wrong idea of living and studying for the exams - then you are helping him score better - rather you are stunting his overall growth. 

6. Make learning a way of life and not just a exam thing - Work on your life and not according to the syllabus. 

You wake up one day, because we are ten days away from the exam and start sitting down to study with your child - not so cool. All this while your kid was going to school, scribbling some things in the book you never bothered to read or check. And suddenly when one day the alarm bell rang - you want to start studying with your child. He is so used to watching TV for three hours everyday and suddenly you want him to give that all up and take his exams seriously. He is just a child. He doesn't know how to get stressed about situations yet. For him, exams are not that big a thing. He will still love doing the things he has been doing everyday of his life. Why can't we concentrate on developing good habits since the beginning and forever. Why do we over do things all the time? Over do TV viewing because we want him out of our way when we are finishing our work and then over doing studying because now he should know everything that is going to be asked in the exams. Work on your life and not on the syllabus. 

7. Everyone is not going to come first. 

No one wants to be second! Now this is human nature - everyone wants to win. But there must be some way to make a child understand that everyone is not going to be first in class. And what is there about coming first in class? You know some things and you don't know some others. Even if you have studied it all, and understood it all - there could be spellings you forget or sums you miscalculate - and it should be allowed. Don't make getting full marks your obsession. Your child will get stuck in that tornado and then never get out of it. Let him believe that exams are just about giving us a reality check as to where we stand. And once we know that, we can work accordingly to get better at the things we find difficult. Nothing to get disheartened about if we get a few answers wrong and there is someone in class who gets it all right. And before the child, you as the mother needs to get this right. 

8. Your child's mark sheet is not a validation for your motherhood. 

Don't subject yourself to believe that only if your child scores well in exams will you prove yourself to be a good mother. These things have absolutely no connection at all. If you happen to have a dyslexic child and you provide an environment for him to flourish - letting him score low marks, but build his self confidence and other skills - you are doing very good as a mother and need to patted on the back. Your child may be hardly scoring well in exams, but that is irrelevant because he is joyous in life - and in the end that is all that matters. 

9. Your child was not born to take your redemption. 

Everyone has some regrets about their childhood or about themselves. And they often see their children as means to fulfil those unfulfilled desires. Someone wanted to be an engineer, but her father didn't have money to get her an admission in a decent engineering college. She pursued BSc and decided she will never let her child have to compromise like this - Great that she wanted to give the best to her child. What she started expecting was that she would make her daughter an engineer when her daughter wanted to do mass media. What's the point? You force your dreams on them and they again grow up with regrets - is there ever going to be an end to this? You couldn't come first in class, you want your child to do that for you. Nonsense!! Let them be. Let them dream and follow their dreams; not yours. Their purpose of existence is not to compensate for your failures but something else - and give them the freedom to explore what it is. 

10. When the results are out - whatever the score - celebrate!!

Don't over react if the teacher tells you that your child is the dumbest or the slowest child in the class. It doesn't mean you have to go home and give him a mindful and then a series of restrictions or punishments. Take that as a challenge for yourself. Make it a mission to help your child, for the child's betterment and not to prove the teacher wrong. First, accept that your child is slow and needs extra help. And then provide that extra help with a lot of compassion and not complaint. If your child is not understanding what is being taught - teach it to him in the way that he understands. Find interesting ways for your child. Don't judge the little one and definitely do not belittle him. Give him a joyous environment at home, conducive for growth and tackle his issues with lot of love, patience and compassion. Forget marks - he will  overall blossom better. 

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When the focus changes from 'me' to the 'child'!!!

Once you enter the third trimester, the only thing that is on your mind is how will you deliver - Whether it will have to be a C-section or a natural delivery? And if natural - how painful or easy will it be? How many hours will the labour last? Will I be able to bear with it? Will they have to cut me down there? How painful will the stitches be? What if a condition for forceps arise? Will I allow them to do that or no? And then if C-section - what will be the situation that will lead to it? Will it be something too serious? Will it affect my baby? And so on.. There are no answers that you have at this point - but these questions just keep your mind busy with this unnecessary chatter all the time. 

But one day, out of the sudden - the focus will shift. You may not even be able to figure the reason that triggered the change - but it will certainly happen. Suddenly you will start thinking beyond that day that you have been dreading for so long. Suddenly the mother in you has arrived and you stop thinking about all that pain and complications you have been dreading you will face. Instead you start wondering about what will happen after that? And once again your mind will be occupied with a lot of chatter. 

You suddenly start doubting yourself whether you are ready to take care of the little one that is going to be way too little and precious when he or she arrives. You are bombarded with a lot of questions - some really mundane and basic - while some really complex. You might even consider asking people around you - all those ladies from your house who have either delivered their own children or have been a constructive support to your sisters or sister-in-laws. But you somehow have lost your ability to trust others. You question their creditability in your head and doubt everyone's knowledge. There are new products in the market that your elders haven't even heard of and you wonder whether you should use them or no. There are products they had used, but you want to refrain from using because of the chemicals or something. There are practices they have been following you have always been against. And there are things you want to experiment but no-one seems to be supporting. There is so much to do and so much to not do at all. And all this is just theory, practically you haven't tried anything yet and that's your biggest concern - will I get it right? 

You have to trust your mind and heart. All those questions you have in your mind - find your answers yourself. Listen to all those ladies, read it all out on the net, if you have a friend who has recently delivered, consult her - Prepare your mind by loading it with all the information you have gathered. And I guess when the time comes - go with your instinct. You and your baby will figure out your journey together and very organically. All that is right for him or her, they will organically accept and all that is not right - they will protest. You will just have to keep your heart and senses open to understand the signs. 

Find below a list of some common concerns or questions (with some practical answers from others - still to figure my own experience!):

1. How many times a day will I have to feed the baby? Will I know how to do it right? Will I know when the baby is going to be hungry? Will I produce enough milk to satisfy his or her hunger? What if I over do it? 

A: First, they teach you how to breast feed at the Hospital. And second, you were designed to do this right - so even if you stumble in the beginning; you are bound to get it right in a couple of days. Across the globe, across all the species - the females know how to get it right. So chill! Some of us may have some complications - not enough produce or sore nipples or something else - there are doctors to figure that out for you. And usually in the beginning, when the baby is only relying on your milk; they take a feed every one or one and a half hours - slowly that frequency is reduced. Get on the start line and start running the race - you will reach the finish line organically. 

2. Every blog I read online speaks of newborn diapers and here my family is strictly against that idea and so am I? So is cotton nappies the way to go? And when will I be able to start using the diapers?

A: One very important thing a friend of mine told me - Initially the doctor will ask you to monitor the no. of times your baby is peeing and inspect the potty colour, smell, frequency etc. So if you are supposed to do that - diapers can't be on. So cotton nappies it is! First fifteen days at least - no diapers - even for doctor visits. Carry extra stuff along - but don't subject your little one to that foreign body baggage so soon. Later, you will understand how the diaper thing functions yourself only. 

3. Swaddling the child - Is it really important? And should the baby be tied all day or there should be breaks? 

A: Initially I had thought that all this swaddling is an Indian tradition only - but slowly I realised that across the globe they follow it. Keep a stack of a dozen of fabrics - clean and soft - and keep the baby cozy with a swaddle. Later, you will know how much your baby still continues to enjoy it and you can modify your tying style or reduce the number of hours.

4. Big question - Baby Bath and Massage? Who should do it - mother v/s maalishwali? When should we ideally start it? 

A: Most doctors will advice against a bath before the dry umbilical chord has fallen off. Or at least, have to be really careful about keeping that area dry so as to not attract any infection. First week will have to be only sponging the baby - Hold your horses before you dip the baby in water. Consult the doctor and plan a first bath and massage. If you want to give the maalishwali a try - go for it - just ensure she is not doing too many stunts with your child and that she is trained to do the massage. A random woman claiming to be a maalishwali may do more harm than good. Put up that fight with your family if you need to - but be careful about this thing. 

5. Using all the new kind of products that have been introduced for convenience - baby wipes, disposable nappy liners and so on.

A: Baby wipes are usually non toxic - but once you try it on your child - check for yourself whether it is causing any irritation to your child. Your child could have an extra sensitive skin. Be careful. Coming to nappy liners - they are more about making your life simpler - for the baby it is irrelevant. So ensure that it is not causing any irritation to the baby. There could be something else that you have found - speak to the doctor and check on your baby after using it. Simple thumb rule -- If all is well - go ahead. If not, discontinue immediately. 

All in all - be confident about yourself. You were born with the natural ability to reproduce and nurture - so nothing can be so drastically wrong in what you will do to your child. Just follow your own instinct above others. And be really sensitive to what the child is communicating to you - because the child knows only one connection - 'the mother' and he or she will only confide in you. 

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Why I wish I have a Baby Boy only!

An old lady, with hands trembling because of Parkinson's, slowly walked to her son who was seated on the sofa in the drawing room of their freshly furnished new house. There was a certain excitement in her eyes. Her 'bhajan mandali' friends were waiting outside the house for her, and she had come in to take her son's permission to go for the musical night which their society had conducted at the Ganpati Mandal. The son authoritatively looked at the watch - it showed 10:45 PM and he told her mother that it was too late for her to go there. She hardly even protested. Just waved a 'No' to her friends and quietly went inside. 

This is nothing new for her. All her life, she has followed the orders of the male members of her family. Earlier it was her father, then briefly her brother, then almost all her life - her husband and after his demise, now her son. So even at seventy, she is not free to make her own choice. 

If you tell this story to an 'urban chick', who has rebelled since her teenage, shaved half her head and tattooed half her body - she might boil up and pass a quick judgement that probably the woman is weak and how could she give so much power to others to control her life. She should learn to fight for herself. 

But my question is - why is there the need to fight in the first place? Had it been her husband in her place, do you think he would have even bothered to ask his son? And in this patriarchal world, would the son ever object that decision of his father? So much we are talking about equality and women's rights in this country and across the globe. But it is generations of wrong conditioning that has brought us to this point in time that rectification is taking much more time than it should. Some women are fighting for their rights but the sad part is that they have to fight them both - men and women. Men, who seem to not get this point of equality right; and women who themselves are failing at understanding what they are losing out on when propagating the wrong fundas in the name of traditions and family values. How is a 'ghunghat' a sign of respect, when down below you have a deep cleavage and mid-riff showing saree? Why are the men entitled to eat first before the ladies, even when the lady in the house is pregnant and carrying your heir who needs the most nutrition at this point? 

For years, we have believed that these are age old traditions and education will be a one-stop solution to this problem. That when we will open the window of where the world is leading, will all these regressive practices come to an end. But sadly, education is certainly not the solution. You think the example I gave above was of an illiterate poor family? No, it was of a very well educated, professional - highly successful in his life but still carrying the torch of some really out dated and regressive ideas.  Now what are you going to do about that? What's the point of education, if it is only about some degrees in hand that can help you fetch a lot of moolah in life; but the real lessons of life it fails to teach you? 

A very interesting video had gone viral a couple of days back with the message that teach your boy not that 'boys don't cry', rather teach them 'boys don't make the girls cry'. It was such a powerful video I must admit. The message was bang on. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Nj99epLFqg

And hence, I say out loud to the Universe that give me a boy so that I can teach him the right things. I can teach him that he is no superior just because of a certain organ that he happened to be born with. Or because he is the one going to take the family name forward. Because we have no family name as such. He is just a child of me and my husband, with no particular legacy burdened on to his shoulders. And then I want to condition in him that equality is no favour he is doing on the world - it is how things are and should be. There is nothing he is doing exceptional by being nice to the women around him. Everyone needs to co-exist and everyone needs to be treated as equals - boy, girl, gay, bisexual, rich, poor, Hindu, Muslim, Brahman, lower caste - all these are discriminations we as a society have unnecessarily foddered. And it's high time we breathe in a space that is free of all this nonsense. 

One may ask how will my one son change the world. I will say to that - I am doing my bit in shaping the next generation right and if everyone else also did their little bit with their little one - the world could certainly be a more positive place to live in. 

5 Things to keep in mind when shifting in the middle of your pregnancy

As the Indian culture and it's common practise goes - Half the women tend to deliver at their mother's house instead of their husband's. The Indian society's age old partiality against the daughter-in-law must have probably started this practise where the woman feels more relaxed when at her own place - where she can rest without being guilty or eat whatever she wants and simply laze around in the last few days of her pregnancy. Yes, she would miss her husband by her side; but then there will be a whole lot other than him to take care of her and pamper her - typically make her 'halwa' with lots of ghee in it!!! (Not that this is the only best thing in the world - but still the most common practise here).

No this is not a post to crib about the bias that holds true in our society. It is about preparing to shift base in the middle of the pregnancy. Whatever be your reason, the preparation and the packing will be the same. There will be things, the previous generation will fail to anticipate - and you will certainly need. 

1. First things first - Don't ever only rely on what others tell you - pack your stuff yourself and according to your sensibilities. You may be accustomed to using a few things in your life which they don't.  

(For eg. It is winter time and you are sure you will need your foot scrubber. And someone may tell you that it is unnecessary and you may not even have the time to use it. But, who knows - what if your feet crack up, rub against the bedsheets and irritate you each night; and then you repent that you should have carried that foot scrubber. )

2. Second most important - Don't worry about the number of bags and the size of those bags. You are going to need a thousand of those tiny little things and better pack it all now than send someone else running to fetch it for you later. 

It is better to be prepared yourself. Now is the time you can still compare two products yourself and make the final call about what you want to chose. If you are going to rely on others to do it for later - you will also have to rely on others to chose the brand or colour for you too. (For e.g.. You wanted soft cotton stay free sanitary pads and someone thinks better to get you extra absorbent whisper. You can't protest because they will think they have got you a better option and you can't use because you are the only one who understands what soft cotton means to you. )

3. Remember to pack section wise - that will help you to avoid missing out on anything. 

Major Sections in the contents of your packing:

a) Things you will need through the remaining part of the pregnancy - clothes, toiletries, medicines, other supplements, your personal must haves - home slippers or water sipper. 

b) Things you will need in the Hospital - check out the Hospital bag post for the detailed list. 

c) Things you will need as you come back home post delivery - clothes that aid the postpartum you - feeding and bleeding, toiletries, medicines, other supplements, stock of sanitary pads.

d) Documents - Your medical files, your KYC documents at the time of child birth for the birth certificate and insurance papers (if any); you credit cards and cheque book for the big payments. 

e) Things for your entertainment - Tab or books or movies in a pen drive or music in your phone or  your camera or anything else (You may have developed a new found love for crochet or embroidery - then ensure that you don't lose touch with that)
f) Food for thought section (If there have been some food items you have craved and relished for all this while - don't forget to carry a stock along. Your favourite chocolates or coffee or green tea or munchies or anything.)

g) Special New Age baby stuff or things you think you will need around the baby (especially the one you have seen in your city and are not sure you will get in the one where you are shifting) - Some quirky rompers or swaddle zipper or something as basic and odd as plastic gloves or boxes to store all the baby stuff or baby mosquito repellant or anything that you have ever thought of and are not sure whether you will get it in the new city.
h) One-off stuff - You are going to be away for a substantial time - some or the other festival will come in. If not, there will always be some ceremony in your or your baby's honour. Remember to carry one saree, one heavy salwar kameez, one nice dress, some jewellery and makeup. 

4. There will always be a list of things you will have to shop locally (Obviously you can pack generously but still not pack the entire globe you know!) 
Be prepared - do your research in advance. Try and check out all those applications that give you  door step delivery and make a list of things you would probably order once you reach there. You may not carry a tub for your child's bath, but that could be one of those things you order by the time you reach the end - you are certainly going to need it and there mostly may not be one at the new house. 

5. Understand in advance how you are going to chose your gynaecologist there. 
The most important part of your pregnancy journey is going to be taken care of by the new doctor - Your much awaited, much anticipated, much dreaded and most important -  DELIVERY!! Do your research and chose confidently. If you have any inhibitions or doubts once you meet the doctor - there is still time - change your choice. It is very important that you can blindly trust that person to do the most important procedure of your life ever.

Gearing up to deliver when your partner is not around

Ever since you get pregnant; the one person you truly share this special experience with is your partner. You'll have been in it together since the very first second. And most of you will be together till the end. All your 'to do' or 'wish' lists will invariably have something for the Dad - Be it during regular check ups, or helping you around the house, or doing something special for you, or massaging your feet, or posing next to you for your pregnancy photoshoots or taking you on a baby moon or being there holding your hand through the labour pains, or then at the end of it all taking charge of all the nappy cleaning. 

But life has its tricks and sometimes it tests you in ways you may not have ever thought yourself to be equipped enough to deal with. But most often you surprise your own self and sail through successfully. One such life altering test could be 'gearing up to deliver when your partner is not around'. Most of us, will never act special or pregnant with the world - we will hold up a regular or strong self - doing things yourself and doing them the way you have been doing it before. But with the partner, we like to be pampered. He is probably the only one truly bearing the brunt of all the mood swings or body aches. Any one else, even your mother, offering you a foot massage - you will pretend it is fine and you can manage. But with your partner, you may not feel the need to put up a strong self - you will be your most vulnerable and demanding you - forcing him to massage for extra ten minutes when he asks if it is enough.

So then what happens when suddenly, something leads to some tough decisions, and he happens to be not around anymore? 

I don't even want to get into the zone of permanently not being around - because that is going to be a completely different ball game altogether. I am talking of times when under some unavoidable circumstances, he has to be away for a couple of months and those months coincide with your expected delivery date. Hence, the time when you probably need him the most, he is not there. If he is probably in any of our armed forces and he is called on duty, or away for some work assignment which he just cannot skip, or has to take a study tour or something else - what do you do then?

Either you sulk and cry - be disheartened and frightened about what will happen - making it difficult for the little one inside to feel confident to come out all alone. 

Or you find your own little way out of it - confiding in your child - making her the part of the big plan positively. 

You only have these two choices!! And ideally, it is only the second one that you can or should chose. 

So, as you chose the second option; you realise how instantly your child has started co operating with you. The little one, has already shared her father's responsibility and decided to come to your rescue. If I may share my personal experience here, I was having acute lower abdomen pains every night and it was only when my husband would place his hand over it and caress for a few minutes, would I be able to get some sleep at night. Then there would be mid-night cramp attacks and again my husband would have to hold my leg and massage it for the pain to subside. And as the date for his going away for an assignment was nearing, I was fearing how I will be able to sleep in the night without him by me. But the very first night, I was assured by my little one in the most miraculous way that we would sail through this together without a worry. There was no pain that night and no cramps either. I cried to myself not because I missed my husband. But because I thought how wise and sensitive my little one was - it felt like she already could sense my worry and had taken it upon herself to come to my rescue. When actually it should have been the other way around. And since that day, till today; I have not had even a single complaint about sleeping peacefully at night or anything else for that matter. My child has been my companion, truly!! 

This has reassured me that even the delivery time will be a cake walk. Each evening, as we two go for our walk; we promise to each other that we will together make that moment of her arrival into the world super special. We will be in it together as a team and make sure that the moment be the most special thing for the two of us in the world. Yes, the father is going to miss out and probably even repent about it for life. But, for you and the child - it will engrave itself as the most important and special time ever. So don't be scared. Rather feel empowered. It is your golden chance to experience something truly magical. My mother read in the newspaper somewhere that some women in such cases become extremely bitter at such times and hold a permanent grudge against their husbands for all their lives. And this is mainly because they find the pain way too unbearable and themselves miserable. But why think like that. This is a special opportunity for you - giving birth! He may not be able to experience it even if he bargained the world's riches in return. The Creator trusted you with this great responsibility, believing that you will truly value it - so don't let it go waste because of some petty fear of pain. Because as they say, pain is inevitable but suffering is an option. Chose to cherish the pain and not suffer in it. And see how you will feel that the pain was never there in the first place. 

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A friend of mine was in labour for a good seventeen hours with the last three hours being extremely painful for her. Her sister, when talking to me about her, told me that in the end she had started muttering some gibberish words to combat the pain but still stuck in there - never gave up. And then, when her daughter finally came out, and she held her in her hands - all that she went through since morning was forgotten and the only thing remembered was how it was the most magical thing she has ever experienced in her life. A blissful tear rolled down her cheeks as she kissed the little one and felt a step closer to divinity.

:-)

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Bringing 'US' together!

One has often heard counsellors or family members or well-wishers suggesting that those couples having troubles in their marriage should try and have a child to ease out their differences or issues. I would always wonder it is quite a risky advice - how can you decide to have a child when all is not well between the two in the first place? What if things get worse? Two people were already suffering in a claustrophobic situation, why welcome some one else into your private misery? And especially a child, who will hardly understand what is going on. And then get bruised and scarred for life. 

But, a few months back, a bumpy miracle tip-toed into our lives. Me and my husband, accidentally found out that we had already conceived and a baby was on its way. The initial few days went in coming to terms with the 'surprise gift' and re-planning life around it; leaving hardly any scope for any other feeling around the child or for each other to crop up. As slowly or rapidly, as the inches on my belly grew; was growing the feeling that life was going to change. Or rather, that it had already changed and was just getting better and better with each passing day. 

Now, finally I am hardly a month away from holding the child in my hand - pinching myself that it actually happened - that the growing belly was actually carrying a child inside and that the child is finally fully alive and now very much a part of our life. Just yesterday, I was asking my husband if he could really believe how far we have come together that we are going to be parents now. And he admitted that he found it equally surreal. That he was still to experience his own feelings to the fullest. But in that moment, while we were discussing it; I felt something else - something targeted more towards him than the child. I felt 'love' - 'love' of the kind I had forgotten existed between the two of us.

Me and him have a long history together - seven years of courtship, one year of engagement and another two years of marriage. And somehow we have still managed to be in love. But what I feel for him lately, is a step further ahead. It is a stronger feeling, the one I haven't experienced in a long time.  And certainly never felt for anyone else. It is 'love' indeed. But it is much more special. I suddenly feel it is a step further ahead. It feels like the universe has conspired for us to share something that is exclusively ours and no-one else can ever enter that space between the two of us. And that it is something that is going to be permanent, not momentary. And our child, would be that stele above, giving validation and identity to that space.

Finally, I am convinced about what the wisemen said all these years - that a child can bridge the gap between two people. Because, what I feel is so powerful that I know it would fill in those differences, those gaps, those distances, those silences; if ever they existed between two people - with a lot of ease and success. You no longer remain two individuals who happen to live under the same roof. You become two people who share the same dream. And that my friend has the potential to conquer the world together. But having said that, people will need to learn to cherish this renewed love as well. If they let it stale, time is also a powerful player to restore the existing condition and bring back the problems after a couple of years. So learn to value what you have managed to recreate and hold it as close to your heart as you would hold your child. And see how life can be so beautiful again.

A pregnant woman's dilemma over her expectations with herself!

It has been a long gap since I posted my last article. And its this very gap that has actually inspired me to write this particular post. Because I am sure a lot of women, like me, have faced this dilemma and pressure in their head during their pregnancy. We all want to believe and are in the constant act to prove that we are just pregnant and that pregnancy in no way takes away my talent from me. And we are a hundred percent right in saying so. But often we go overboard in proving this to the world and ourselves even - in our bid to do all those things that we used to do before and continue multitasking. And rather than making us feel good about ourselves, it pushes us in a pit of self-despair. And for some cases, goes even a step further to lead to depression. 

Here is a classic example through my personal account of how I just dodged this feeling in the recent past:

Once declared pregnant, the first thing I decided to do was to discontinue my regular office job. And in the bargain of that so called sacrifice, I had decided to do a lot of other things to keep my sanity intact. I wanted to single handedly maintain my daily blog, revive my old handicrafts company, manage a NGO's social media plan, finish my film script, edit my manuscript and then make dreamcatchers - and needless to say that do it all to the best of my capabilities. 

But little did I know that it was not only my mind but my body that had to give me support? And that during my pregnancy; my body was going to act a little moody and difficult. 

I would sleep in the night making elaborate 'to do' lists for the next day and then wake up to feel so tired and groggy that I wouldn't even make the breakfast according to menu - instead just go for an easier quick fix option. So the very first thing in the list would get disturbed and modified - and that the disturbance would continue to cripple the entire list till its end. And almost everyday everything would get pushed indefinitely. And that in turn led to unsolicited stress - the one that would arise with the pressure of 'under-performance' because you have always been so used to setting these targets for yourself and completing them successful. And now suddenly you feel disempowered and overall disappointed with yourself. You are anyways moody because of your hormonal fluctuations and now you feel your mood swings go further complicated because of this self-induced unrealistic expectations that you have set for yourself. 

And then it struck to me: Relax! You need to be easy with yourself.

First two three days, I had felt really frustrated about not being able to write a post. My mind would constantly linger around what to write. And nothing would strike. Then I would decide to make a dreamcatcher but my spine would give up on me and I would just lie down thinking I should sleep for a couple of hours to reboot my energy. But then sleep would evade me because constant thoughts about the pending things to do would bother me. Finally I had to take charge. One day I decided I was going to give up on making these 'to do' lists and rather just go with the flow. A week passed by and I didn't tell myself what to do. I just did what I felt like doing. And in a couple of days I realised that I was doing much better. If not all, at least I was back to doing a few productive things in a day.  And that too stress free! Though I was unable to tap all my work loads; at least half of them I was successfully ticking. And then it struck to me what the problem was - The problem was that I was overloading my self with expectations and performance pressure. If I got a little easy with myself and made lighter 'to do' lists; I'd still be able to execute them. I start doing that and things started rolling in my favour again. All my things were getting done - the pace was different but the success rate was retained. The frustration had gone because the pressure had gone. All in all, I was back to being the multi-talented, multi-tasking pregnant woman that I always wanted to be. And the sure shot way I could achieve that was by being reasonable with myself. 

One needs to accept that pregnancy is not the time to prove how much work you can do or how efficient you are. You are already doing a miracle in a way - there is a human forming inside of you. And in all your 'to do' lists - maintaining that proficiency should be on the top of the list - so what if that demands you to sleep a two hours extra or laze around for awhile. In your bid to finish you rmundane tasks, you can't stress the baby inside - because his or her right development is not a task - it is your most important responsibility. And nothing should effect that adversely. All your personal goals and life expectations should ideally work around this one thing and not over it. You are creating the next generation - credit yourself duly for it - don't let any pressure in your head ever tell you that it is taking away from you, your talent or your overall personality. Honestly, it is adding to you in ways you will never be able to do otherwise - it is that layer which is the most divine, evolved and accomplished in a way. 

So once again.. Let me reiterate - Relax! You need to be easy with yourself! And you need to value this period that you are going through!! Celebrate your womanhood and celebrate your pregnancy. 

New mothers on Home Arrest! We still found you ways to shop!!!

New mother in India?? Most often, first forty days you are going to be forbidden from stepping out of the house. There will be a new life around you - Those tiny little fingers and twinkling eyes. Your ultimate new companion! And there will be so much to shop for him or her. But no one is letting you out. Even for daily necessities like the diapers you will have to rely on your husband or some family member. Anywhere else in the world you would have stocked up in advance. But as per the oldest fables heard, you are not allowed that either. Too much celebration or preparation in advance seem to bring bad omen. So once again, your plan to shop for your child is going to fail. And even if you did belong to those families who didn't believe in these things - there were few things you still didn't know -  boy or a girl. So what about all those gender specific dressing up ideas? 

But then..

How about some home found Jugaad of a solution! 

SHOPPING ONLINE - Sitting right in your room with your little one. Trust me, shopping online is so convenient and needless to say that it has the widest range of things on offer. 

Just the other day I went to a local shop to pick up 'breast pads' and the sales girl looked at me as though I had asked her for something from another planet! Even for things like these - that are probably not a common practise in India and hence not easily available everywhere - you can rely on the internet to come to your rescue. Online portals stock up almost everything under the sun. And with new designers and small scale entrepreneurs propping up everyday - getting unique, customised stuff online is equally easy. 

All you need to know is 'Where to look for?'

Bumpy Miracle is extensively going to work on the 'Shopper's Paradise' section this month (It is in a way my personal online research getting recorded for everyone's use!) where I will list down all possible online solutions for you and your baby - during pregnancy, after delivery, new born, as a toddler, while growing up or ever in life ;-)

MISSION PARENTING

There is always a lot of enthusiasm about welcoming the new member into the family around pregnancy - but soon that becomes a routine. In the initial years, everything is an adventure - from potty to burping to feeding to swaddling.. Even the fathers want to participate to change nappies and wash milk bottles. But as time passes, those sleepless nights start hitting to you. And then you start missing being your older self. But very soon, there is some movement in the house again - some crawling, some walking, some sounds and then some words. Again the excitement is restored. Videos start pouring in on daily basis to record all the landmark developments in the baby. But soon all that will also be over. The words, now sentences, rather endless chatter - starts echoing in the house, giving headaches. You are short of answers and they are full of opinions. You suddenly wonder why is their brain developing - why aren’t they simply following us like before. Why are they growing up so fast? And then, before you know it - you have reached the most difficult level of the game! You are in the trap. Your child is not developing motor skills anymore - your child is developing a personality. And this is your board exams. Now is the time when you are going to struggle to keep up your scores. Making the formula correct and keeping the baby sanitised and healthy was easy. Now is the time to keep the mind and heart healthy. And this is the time I dread the most about. 

Every now and then, I see parents struggling with some or the other issues with their children. Either they are too naughty or too stubborn or too gullible or too cranky or watch a lot of TV or don’t eat well or misbehave with elders or something or the other. I strongly feel that the problem is with the parents and how they handle these things. Half the time - there is a denial that there is an issue they need to resolve. If at all there is acceptance of the issue - then it is in the form of a complaint of helplessness. There is never the determination to find the solution. “What to do they just don’t eat?” “No, no it is not that they are always misbehaved - today they were just tired so cranky!” “I tried everything - threatening and hitting even - nothing seems to bring a change in this rigid little monster!”

There must be solutions. 

There have to be some resolutions! 

And parents need to figure that out. 

There can’t be any excuse of time constraints or hands too full in this matter. If the mother is unable to manage alone - the father needs to step in, in more ways than just paying bills or taking out on weekends. 

How will I find my way out when my kid will just not listen or co operate - I still haven’t found the answer yet. But there are these few things that I have understood for sure:

One cannot anticipate how the child is going to react. But one can always control their own reaction as parents to their child’s action. 

So, don’t see dreams for the child. See them for yourself. 

Dream not about how I am going to ensure my child eats everything. Plan about how will I ensure that my child gets the right nutrition even if he or she decides to live only on toffies! 

Dream not about how well behaved my child will be. Plan about how I will mould my child to either not develop wrong habits or rectify them in time. 

Dream not about how intelligent my child will be. Plan how I will help him or her embrace their inner strengths and find the best means for them to prosper using them. 

Your children are not your trophies - do not display them. They are your treasure - cherish them. 

There is no denial that somedays the road will be really rocky. But vouch to hang in there. Never give up or never go overboard. Let your motto be to find the right balance. And then lets see what happens. 

 ‘MISSION PARENTING’ it certainly is!! But I am happy the new generation tries different ways at least. I am happy I am exposed to this world of fellow bloggers, mostly mothers, who have poured their journeys onto their websites and also inspired me to do the same. At least - that gives us all these common platforms where we can come to vent and at the same time find solutions... 

How safe is the 'Paracetamol' in Pregnancy

Ever since I got pregnant, the one thing I have been afraid of is putting anything into my body that is not natural. Something as simple as a bleach on my face also I have avoided. Or eating outside food. Because I have been dreading falling sick like crazy. Since the day one, this thing got very strongly ingrained in my system that I am not going to put myself through a situation where I have to take any unnecessary medicines - as that is after all chemicals going into my body. When all I want my baby to get is unadulterated love. 

But little did I know that my unbearable tooth ache is going to bring me to the crossroads where I will have to make a tough choice and pop a pill? Headaches have always given me company since a very young age. We have always failed at getting to the root cause of their recurrent occurrence. And all through my pregnancy they continued to give me company. Earlier, every few days, my headache would compel me to take a strong painkiller. But ever since my pregnancy, I have pushed myself to bear that pain come what may. I would ask my husband to give me a massage at the most or pick up a fight with him to remove my frustration; but never once did I take a painkiller. 

Image Source

And then one day, as soon as I entered my third trimester; my wisdom tooth decided to give me a hell of a torture. For almost ten nights, back to back it would give me unbearable pain. I tried it all - putting a clove in my mouth to rubbing clove oil to a pain out tube to brushing every two hours to salt water gargles to breathing exercises to everything. But that throbbing pain - from my tooth to my cheek to my ear to my head to my neck - would just not give up on me. Each night I would vouch to go to the dentist and get something done; and the next morning it would get back to normal - the pain would simply disappear. Finally I spoke to my doctor and he said - you can get your tooth treated but avoid extraction at this stage. We do not want to further complications - anyways your haemoglobin is low, what if there is excessive blood loss or some deeper infection after the extraction - we will be compelled to give you heavy doses of medicines - which I do not recommend at this stage. I explained to him that the pain was getting unbearable now. And I had to do something about it. He asked me take a paracetamol if need be. A mild paracetamol is the almost harmless don't worry - he tried to assure me. 

I still avoided it for a few days - till one night - when I couldn't bear it anymore. And then in any extreme case of helplessness, I popped my first paracetamol. My heart went out to my baby. Though I had instant relief from the pain - my heart was aching inside. Had I caused any harm to my child? Next morning I took the first appointment with my dentist and she let me down further - she declared that I had no choice but to bear through the pain. The wisdom tooth needed extraction and that they would have to do without a prior X-ray - making it even more risky. She said the only thing I could do was take a paracetamol each time the pain would be unbearable. And she told me that the pain would come to me in episodes, so I wouldn't be needing to take the medicine everyday. But that left me highly disappointed.

So if I needed to sleep - during these episodes, I would have to take a pill. There was no escaping it. Hence, the first thing I decided to do was to find out for myself the real affect of paracetamol on the child. I read almost all medical reports available online and cross checked with all my doctors - my homeopath, my general physician, my cousin who is a doctor and my gynaecologist. And surprisingly - it didn't turn out even half as bad as I thought it would. 

Image Source

Here is some information I thought I should compile to help you understand better what I mean:

1. Anything in excess, needless to say, is invariably harmful. And so is a 'paracetamol'. But it is still one of the safest drugs during pregnancy when taken in mild doses. They say upto a 1000mg a day is considered safe. Though one should avoid it as much as possible. 

2. Are there any extreme studies about side effects in case of excessive consumption - 

a) A study conducted by the University of Edinburgh has shown that extensive - not occasional - use could cause male reproductive disorders at birth or in early childhood due to low testosterone production. (Source)

b) Extensive use of paracetamol could lead to issues in the development of communication and behaviour. (Source)

c) Excessive use has seen some cases of the child developing asthma. (Source)

3. Overall - it is believed that paracetamol in pregnancy doesn't cause any serious harm to the baby - like still birth or premature delivery or reduced weight at birth time or any serious birth defects. (Source)

[Today - I have given sources along so as to assure the reader with multiple opinions over this issue. It was a very sensitive thing to me and could be the same for my reader. ]

So all in all - I understood that a paracetamol - in case of crisis - is not a problem.

And I also understood that when the pain is unbearable it is better to take it than not. Because when you suffer in that pain, your child suffers with you. (For unbearable pain I mean!) 

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Being a true friend to your child!

This quote by Matt Walsh is the most honest thing I have ever read about 'Parenting' -

Nobody wishes to be a bad parent, then why is it that some fail and only a handful succeed? 

BUT.. WHAT REALLY IS SUCCESSFUL PARENTING??

=> If your child comes first in class - is that when you are a good parent? 

(What about giving some credit to the child's natural intelligence!)

=> Or is it when, he touches everyone's feet when he greets the elders? 

(What if the minute he turns he is muttering something else or doing it just out of compulsion?)

=> Or do you simply pride in the fact that you have given your child all that your parents couldn't afford for you?

(You could afford to buy the world for him, which market will you go looking for happiness?)

Will only his academic performance or social skills or your monetary contribution to his needs account for the parameters on which parenting will be evaluated?

Who bothers about the child's mental state, happiness quotient or say, ability to deal with failures??? 

No one wants to teach their kids how to handle failures! Because no one wants their children to fail! But is it ever going to happen in the real world? He may not fail as a student but he could fail as a lover or at something else! Life has a lot to offer and one cannot predict it to always be honky-dory! So do we prepare our kids enough for those testing times? 

~

Everyone wants to be 'Hero' parents! My father, the greatest! My mother, the sweetest! The father wants to ensure that there is the best of everything, as he dutifully provides for his child - best clothes, best toys, best school, best birthday parties, best gadgets - everything best, never a compromise, never a 'No'! And the mother wants to ensure she showers enough love - even when the child is being difficult, arrogant, abusive, naughty, misbehaved - never scold, never hit, always support, always love - spoil me silly! 

Why have these new generation parents forgotten that it is important to say 'No' and important to have your control. Teach your children to love you even when you are not perfect. Then they will love themselves even when they won't be perfect. Teach them that there will be difficult times and we will need to stand together as a family. Then they will learn that in life, everything won't come easy, so they will never fear struggle. Teach you children how unimportant are materials. And they will learn not to judge others by their riches but their talents. 

~

The new trend in parenthood is to be 'friends' not 'parents'! Right! One should have a certain friendship with their children. But in this material world, we are losing out on understanding the true meaning of that friendship. Is giving your son the latest iPhone being his friend? Or is it by letting them drink with you? How is it then, that in spite of doing all those things; teenagers are taking extreme steps and committing suicide while the parents were fooled to believe that their kids were happy? 

Something, somewhere is wrong! Something we all need to figure out for ourselves! No one can tell you how you can be a 'good parent' or a 'great friend' to your child. It is something unique that you will have to build yourself.

As friends, explore the goodness of life - read together, go for nature treks, cook a meal at times, enjoy a quite evening at the beach - take out the old guitar and strum it together, give art one final try and make those confident, messy strokes together - laugh at each other's masterpieces and then celebrate the moment with some home cooked dessert. Take them shopping, but not in those malls - let them explore the treasure that you find on the streets - let them wear it with pride. Show them your first bike, if you still have it, and let them ride it. Tell them how much it means to you today and why. Take them to that small house you once lived in or to that remote village where you hailed from - let them meet your roots and relate to your journey. Let them appreciate what you have offered to them and let them decide for themselves what they want for their future.. Let them soar as high as they wish.. But teach them that it is the ground where they need to return to - their true home, their true self! 

Third Trimester Terms: Baby Dropping or Lightening!

"Lightening/Engagement" Illustration by Beth Okurowski from the book Pregnancy, Birth and You.

What is a baby dropping or lightening?

Almost towards the end of the third trimester, when the baby starts settling lower into the pelvis - it is called baby dropping or lightening. It is nothing but a positive sign that the baby and your body are both gearing up for the ‘D’ Day!

When is the ideal time for it? And when is it time to ring an alarm if it hasn’t happened?

Every pregnancy is different. And it is difficult to say when is the ideal time for your baby to drop. For some, it happens as late as just before the labour. As far as the baby is healthy - do not worry. 

First Pregnancy - Anytime after the 32nd or 34th week of Pregnancy!

Second Pregnancy onwards - At the time of Delivery!

Can baby dropping predict the labour time?

Not really! There is no fixed time gap between the baby dropping and starting of labour. Though it is observed that for first time mothers, baby dropping can happen anytime between two to four weeks before the labour. And for mothers, who already have children; there is no fixed time at all - it can happen as late as at the time of labour!

Will I literally see the dropping of my abdomen from outside?

No.. You may not realise that difference! But your heartburns due to acidity will reduce and pressure on the bladder will increase - These might be signs that could help you conclude. 

But there will always be those vigilant aunties who might point out to you that they have noticed the difference and conclude to you that your baby has dropped! 

Do the babies that are still in the breach position post the 30th week also drop?

Like I said before - each pregnancy is unique. Yes, some babies do drop even in the breach position. And some of them even successfully come out via the vagina. Though there are more chances that the doctors will suggest a C-Section for a breach baby. (One should never just rely on accumulated information in such complex situations - rather always be in touch with the doctor and do what is right for you - irrespective of the world has to say!)

Some third trimester terms: Braxton Hicks Contractions

There are these certain terms that are only within the reach of today's generation - thanks to the number of books they read and the ever so accessible and informative world of internet. If I ask my mother or any of the aunts - they would wonder what the hell am I talking about. Though they must have all experienced it during their pregnancy - but none would have known that there is a term like this and that it is also so famous. 

Braxton Hicks Contractions: They are nothing but sporadic contractions in the Uterus - the ones that occur through the nine months of pregnancy at irregular intervals and intensities - before the actual labour contractions begin! Most women don't even realise that they are contractions and they did follow some pattern. It is much later in the third trimester, that these contractions pick up momentum and appear at regular intervals - often even confusing the mother whether it is the sign of labour! 

They have this name because they were reported about for the first time by Dr. Hicks. 

What do I really need to know about them?

- What to do when they are extremely painful?

There is hardly much you can do in these things - these are ways in which the body is gearing for baby birth. But a hot water bath is invariably a good soothing options for half the problems in pregnancy. It just helps you relax. Also, dehydration is often responsible for multiplying the affect of all kinds of cramps - so ensure you are drinking enough water. Try to distract the mind - walk around the house, watch TV, do some other activity. Breathing exercises - develop your own mechanism around breathing. Take deep breathes - count them - concentrate on them! This will not only help you now, but will also come to your rescue during your labour. 

- When to ring an alarm and call the Doctor?

Anything that feels unbearable should be reported. Then even if the doctor has to tell you it is alright, its ok. Better reported than not! Also, if any unusual discharges from the vagina accompany the cramps - you should report to your doctor without fail. 

Those weird questions they pose or things they do!!!

Pregnancy is a time when you are full of questions and an equal number of random answers are also floating around you - from all the other ladies in your family and beyond!! The real question amongst this is what to listen to and what to filter? And how on Earth are you supposed to know what exactly is right for you? 

A simple answer is - listen to your body, your doctor, your mother and then no-one - This is the right order!! 

The closer you get to your delivery time, all these instructions and unsolicited advices are going to multiply. Listen to them all - then either laugh or think over it. In this post, I am compiling a few of really weird questions that people have asked or the things that they do that can be really annoying at this stage. 

1. Are your breasts leaking already? It means you are going to have an early labour!

- Yes, this is certainly a sign that your body is gearing up to deliver in sometime. But no certain sign that you are going to deliver soon. Some people have experienced these discharges from the first month of the pregnancy - then would they have delivered then or what?

2. If the baby is fully developed and healthy, take it out in advance na - why you want to bear for another month? 

- What is this - some ice-cream forming inside you - that you start nibbling on it once it is ready? Relax! If it is some doctor telling you this nonsense - you need to rethink your decision about having this doctor! Everything has it's right time.. If the child would have been ready, it would have come out on its own. Yes, unless there is some emergency or you are carrying multiple babies - don't let anyone tell you when to take out the baby. Let Nature do its job!

3. Your bump has become so big and you still wear a seat belt? 

- YOU better wear a seat belt while travelling. In a case of emergency braking, that belt will be your saviour! Position the belt rightly on your body if it is bothering you - though mostly it just shouldn't!

4. So it's a boy or a girl? Haven't you seen it in your sonography yet? You can easily make out! 

Yes, of course you can make out in the sonography. And I also believe that it is ok for you to know whether it is a boy or a girl. But if you haven't checked yet, and want to unwrap that mystery only at birth - don't let anyone make you feel you have been a less of a vigilant person during your sonography.. You were seeing the little one - all your love and concentration was on cherishing that moment - it is ok if you didn't know in advance whether it is a boy or a girl. 

5. When does your baby kick the most? Is it during the night? Then you are going to have a nightmare putting him or her to sleep once out!! 

- The baby is supposed to kick 24X7.. And night is the time when you are doing nothing else - so you notice it more and more often. That is no way a connection that the baby, when out, is going to keep you up in the night. Yes, the baby is going to have some trouble initially, while establishing a sleeping pattern and will keep you up in the night - but that has no correlation with the kicking at night. 

6. This one is probably not for everyone - but I was hit with it and it's the most bizarre thing ever - Are you going to let your child also pursue a creative field like you and your husband? There is so much insecurity and hardships that you guys go through - will you let your child also go through it?

- I wanted to shout from the roof top - LET THE CHILD BREATHE IN THE OUTSIDE AIR FIRST!! And then decide what career to take and what not to take! 

7. Why do you always feel tired? Aren't you taking enough care of yourself?

- Boss!! There is someone inside of me - growing all the time. So technically, even if I am not doing anything else, I am at least turning food to human - that takes a lot of my energy. Hence, I am tired. Do you have a problem?

8. When will you resume back to work? And how will you manage with the baby?

- These are few things mothers themselves are battling within their heads to find just the 'right' solution for them. And there is no general formula to get this right. People have different priorities in life and they lead to them taking a few decisions that only they understand. You don't need to answer this to anyone. When you will cross that bridge, people will see how you did it. No one will understand your perspective better than you. So don't waste your energy explaining. 

9. Worst of all will be all those random observations on your body changes:

- Oh! Your breasts have grown quite large! 

- Oh! Your breasts haven't grown so large - have you checked with the doctor?

- Oh! Your tummy is not showing so much - the baby is developing na properly?

- Oh! Your tummy is showing too much - that won't be a problem na?

- Oh! Why is your back also growing along - it will be difficult to shed that weight?

- Oh! Your tummy is growing low!

- Oh! Your tummy is growing quite in your face!

- You are glowing! Baby boy it is!!

- What happened to you? Your daughter seems to have stolen all your beauty!

10. And then will be those unsolicited touches - some of you may not mind at all - but some of us will find it very irritating - almost like prying in my personal space:

Why the hell should you touch my tummy to ask me how am I feeling? I may not like those foreign touches on my body at this time! So give me that much space na.